Official Press Release - S.O.S. Campaign HQ's - April 4, 2002
ANGRY VIEWERS CANCEL ABC
MICKEY EXPOSED AS FRAUD: Only A Rat In Mouse Clothing.
The entertainment industry was shaken to its very foundation with the discovery that the ABC television network has been operating under the direction of Dumbo, Goofy and Dopey.
When finally cornered at a recent press conference in ToonTown, the trio of cartoon misfits sheepishly confessed that Eisner, Iger and Braun were really animatronic figures, each programmed with the
sole intent of deceiving the public in to thinking that they were bonafide executives capable of running a network. When further pressed, they also admitted that something had gone horribly awry with
a malfunctioning computer chip and the robo-brass were running amok. When confronted by members of the media, demanding to know how long they had hoped to continue this sick charade, the animated
threesome could only offer that they were just trying to keep the network afloat until a qualified executive could be lured away from one of their rivals. Their feeble attempts to blame their
network's troubles on conspiracy and sabotage spearheaded by competition fell on deaf Mickey Mouse ears. For their own safety, the group of oddball characters have been taken to an undisclosed
location but two rumors continue to circulate; that they are either trying to launch a comeback from Never Never Land or that they are heavily medicated somewhere in Fantasy Land.
Angry shareholders have pleaded ignorance about the whole sorry matter and deny having previous knowledge of any wrongdoing. While most stockholders claim to be "appalled that the genius of Walt
Disney could be used in such a corrupt and evil way", some are publicly chastising the 'suits' at ABC for tarnishing ole Uncle Walt's reputation which had been built on "Family" and "Quality".
With this stunning revelation also comes news that a movement is afoot to dismantle this once mighty but now ailing company. After spewing empty promises for months and failing to shore up their lack
luster schedule, it is clear to all that the sad reality is that no thought provoking, critically acclaimed and award winning family drama can ever make it on ABC television as long as this network
has no concept of what 'excellence' is. After years of mismanagement, angry viewers have finally pulled the plug on ABC. Despite ABC's hopes that they would be allowed to finish out the season, irate
viewers have said "NO" and have given the struggling network the ax, mid-season.
A spokesperson for Mickey Mouse says that the rodent is deeply saddened and terribly disappointed that Disney and Co. saw fit to follow the trend of 'Dumbing Down To America'. Asked how he failed to
notice that he and those around him were bleeding from every orifice, the varmint explained that he's been dazed and confused, possibly suffering from side effects of warfarin that his friend Doc had
been prescribing for a mystery medical condition. He also defended his network's poor showing in the ratings by saying... "We thought the one who had the lowest numbers at the end of the season,
wins. I guess someone forgot to send me the memo."
Sources close to the mouse report that he's become a mere shell of his former self and say it's pretty much all over except for readying his poor rotting corpse for burial. Close friends are keeping
a bedside vigil but fear the end is near unless an infusion of functioning brain cells, complete with the ability to recognize and appreciate quality programming, becomes immediately available for
transplant.
Despite ABC's recent claim that they were hoping to "raise the bar" and return their network to its former glory, critics question their programming choices of 'The Chair', 'The Bachelor' and 'Who
Wants To Sacrifice A Virgin'. Former ABC viewer, Patricia Deeves, was quoted as saying... "If those are Disney's examples of taking "The High Road", then STOP THE RIDE. I want to get off".
When questioned by another ex-ABC supporter, Trish Westscot, about why this network was cancelling 'Once and Again', their only response was that they were so unfamiliar with how to handle a show of
this caliber, that they simply didn't know what to do with it. When asked by Ms. Westscot if Disney had in fact dropped the ball, Buzzed Out Of His Brains Lightyear commented that it had been so long
since Disney had even been on the playing field that he doubted whether any one from ABC would recognize a ball if they saw one.
Industry analysts speculate that it is only a matter of time before the Alphabet Network succumbs to all that ails it, and is indeed already on life-support. But there won't be much sympathy coming
from the masses when they realize that its death was brought on by self inflicted wounds.
As a final insult to the one-time industry leader, the Federal Broadcasting Commission has stripped ABC of their coveted call letters and from this day forward they will be known as the O. P. U.
network.
Disney is as far from the 'Happiest Place On Earth' as humanly possible. Even Tinkerbelle was last seen flying off to the unemployment lines in La La Land. And witnesses have reported that the
remaining dwarfs were seen making a bee line out of the wasteland that Disney has become while merrily singing a chorus of "Hi ho, Hi ho, we're going to HBO".
Turns out there's no Magic left in the Kingdom. It was all being done with smoke and mirrors. And a generous helping of critter dung.